That Time I Didn't Compromise on a New Life

I consider all life experience to be beneficial, so this is a good one to add to the books, but I'm not gonna lie - I'll be happy to be on the other side of this, no matter which way it goes!

I just sent this text to my realtor and thought it might be a fun one to write about.

I’m divorcing after 21 years, purchasing a home on my own entirely with funds I built up from a business I created. It’s a really empowering, but also stressful time.

The day I decided I was ready to buy, I jotted down a list of my non-negotiables. I kept it small, but important to me:

• dead end road
• private, lots of trees
• water, must have water
• lots of room to walk, dirt roads?
• 5 bed, 3 bath (I have 4 kids and a +1 kid moving in soon)
• lush
• luxurious

That afternoon, a home was listed on the market for the first time ever, and it checked all those boxes. My hand went to my chest and I gasped out loud involuntarily when I first saw the “new listing” email for this home.

It is beautiful and the craftsmanship spot-on for a French country home, built with love by a contractor for his bride.

He died, she went into a nursing home and their legacy stands as a testament to what was obviously a true love - you can feel it when you walk in.

The sellers, though, are a group of trustees with diverging opinions on the value of the home.

We’re in a very strong buyer’s market. I have no contingencies outside inspection, am fully approved, don’t need to sell an existing home or anything cumbersome to the deal.

Yet the sellers are focusing on an emotional valuation, not a realistic one. The inspection revealed very significant issues, such as leaking sewage pipe in the home, no hot water, radon 2x WHO’s max levels, broken tiles, other floor damage, a furnace and AC at the end of their lives, etc.

I countered asking for a $10k credit to address these and was denied, though they are now examining the radon report and may concede because this liability continues onward for every potential buyer.

It’s been a very consuming process. I am not focusing well on my business, struggling to get done what needs to be done and overall feel very disrupted while in these talks.

It’s a delicate balance of the difficult present and an entirely new life built out of my goals and wishes, bridged by a home that can hold it all.

I will be glad to have it over, no matter which way it plays out, but what I think is important to bring up here is how we tend to focus on the struggles as inherently bad things, when actually, they are some of the best material for our own growth.

Though I have been stressed through this process, I know also that I am learning fantastic lessons, some of which will only be obvious in hindsight but here are a few.

1. Grace has a limit.

Despite knowing the home was worth less than they were asking and that their valuation was primarily emotional, I showed up with an offer considerably higher than I was comfortable with in a good-faith effort to try to meet them. They replied with sneers and disdain, and I found my backbone.

2. Standing firm is self-respect.

Younger me would have been more willing to cave, even at my own expense. This is one of the major life lessons I’m working through, that I am entitled to the same amount of space I give others. I could have backed down and allowed safety issues to remain unresolved, but I am no longer willing to compromise to keep the peace. (This is one of my favorite lessons, btw.)

3. It is okay to reject the extractive nature of deals.

I believe we are entering a new era, an era where mutual respect is as mandatory as negotiation. Until we stand up and refuse to participate in deals that dishonor our own selves, energy and nature, we will be complicit in keeping the world small and harmful.

4. Nervous systems are worthy of honor.

I’ve felt wrung out during this process. I’m not just juggling a real estate deal—none of us have such simple lives—but also a divorce, mothering 4 kids, running a high-stakes e-commerce business, managing a homestead, etc. etc. When my nervous system cries for relief, I need to honor that. A couple of nights ago, a simple bubble bath was so restorative. It’s easy to put self care at the bottom of the list but its true place is at the top.

5. Trust in the timing.

I’ve lived enough live and made enough deals to know that when it requires excessive effort, it is not a good choice. Any time I push a deal past reasonable limits, I look back and regret it. By contrast, when I purchased the home I’m in now, every part of the process felt light, optimistic and relatively stress free. Light vs. heavy is an excellent barometer, one that should be heeded at all times.

As I write this, the sellers are still considering the results of the radon report. The deal is not entirely off the table, but I have released it with peace.

And if it is truly done? There are other homes. But there’s only one me. And I like who I’m becoming too much to sell her short.